I only work in black and sometimes very, very dark grey

I can't breathe, ohmygoodness

Anywho.

Yeah I'm still alive. To be fair, I have been writing in my "not online" journal much better. But we'll see how long that lasts. If I ever get famous and people look back over my life and read through my journals and papers, they are really going to know a lot about the Januaries of my life...but not much else :p Usually by February I am done with that whole "journal" thing.

Of course life is crazy. And it just keeps getting crazier. Classes at GMU started yesterday and it actually wasn't too bad. I mean, it's a long Tuesday: work from 8-4, class from 4:15-10, and then home and sleep, but the two classes I'm taking this year actually seem very doable. Not a lot of busywork and memorization that's not going to help me at all, but you know, projects and papers and discussions that actually sound like they will be helpful in my classroom. YAY.

Speaking of my classroom, it's insane. Just when I think I can be on top of everything, I realize there's a volcano about to blow right under my feet. Only six students but I feel so incredibly responsible for their development that it literally keeps me up at night and gives me panic attacks.

• All my kids are stubborn but I've just recently started seeing the stubbornness in one and he is reeaaaaally pushing my buttons, like won't listen to me AT ALL, unless it's exactly what he wants to do in the moment and I know that he knows what to do but he is deliberately not following directions, so today we only had 4 kids so I was like "Boo Yah" I can wait you out today and I DID. the last two hours of class were me making him stand in front of me, trying to get him to clap. THIS KID CAN CLAP, OKAY? He has done it hundreds, nay, THOUSANDS of times and he loves it, but he just really didn't want to clap (follow the direction) that day, so I decided to show him I can be stubborn too and he missed recess and story circle and book area because, well, CLAP. ARGH. At one point I was actually holding his wrists close together and he was spreading his hands back, preventing them from clapping, or then he would like tap his middle fingers together or fist bump or start shaking his hands and I was like asdfghjkasflksdfkjdsn UGH SO DONE WITH THAT CHILD. I mean the bus came and I had to send him home, but there is a new day tomorrow and now he knows that I mean business. I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER, CHILD. YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH THAT HERE, NO SIR.

• I have one kid on a gluten free diet, not cause he's allergic, just to help with behaviors, and I let him eat a cupcake for a kid's b-day last week and didn't think much of it cause I'd asked his mom before and she said every once in a while was okay and so I was like whatever let the kid have a cupcake, but then on Monday she writes this note like "I didn't finish writing you the note about the cupcake but let's talk later this week, and I'm now panicking because WHY COULDN'T SHE FINISH THE NOTE?? Was it too long to finish cause she was so upset or angry and why does she want to meet, is she going to tell the principal omg I'm going to //loose my job//, and of course the rest of the day I'm just having panic attacks thinking about it and I can't think of anything else but then when I talk to her at the end of the day it was really not that big a deal, BUT THINGS LIKE THIS STRESS ME OUT. I FEEL TOO RESPONSIBLE.

I still have those moments where I think "wow, why on earth am I doing this job?" and that's a little worrying to me, but honestly, too late to back out now! Maybe after a few years of doing my time in a PAC classroom I will be able to teach a class-based preschool and that would just be lovely...like a breath of fresh air.

Oh and I'm also on a diet/cleanse this week. Don't I sound a little hungry to you?

WELL I AM.

I put on an episode of BBC Robin Hood tonight while my sister and I made/ate dinner and our colorful commentary on the complete and utter ridiculousness of the plot of that show was quite enjoyable. I mean, I love it, but it has got to be one of the most cheesy shows ever. I LOVE IT.

You ladies are such a breath of fresh air.

A new year, a new everything.

Why do we always wait for a new year to make resolutions? I'm as guilty as everyone else. It's so ridiculous. Instead of saying "Hey, I should start exercising today" I say, "Hey, on January 1st, I'm gonna start exercising." What a lazy, lazy people we are.

But hey, on January 1st I started exercising.

3 days down, w00t w00t.

Christmas involved a spoon-on-nose competition which the 3-year-old won.

 

Eric the Red got a new friend from Grandma. Wasn't sure that he'd enjoy the company (we actually thought he might just attack it), but he has been hanging out next to it since I put it in his tank.

In an effort to entertain our parents and get them out of the house, we drove down to Harper's Ferry and explored yet another historical landmark that I've lived next to my whole life but have never visited.

My big Christmas gift this year was a guitar and another resolution is to practice 30 minutes a day on the guitar. That's probably the biggest resolution I've ever made because I have this annoying habit of not sticking to stuff and while no one sticks to diet/exercise routines, I am going to learn the guitar and prove myself wrong. After quitting almost every undertaking in my entire life, we're going to make 2015 the year that Liisa didn't quit anything (I gave my bunny away in 2014 so that is okay. omg I can't even commit to having a pet, what is wrong with me?).

Winter Break is almost over and it's that familiar feeling of "Yeah okay I could go back to work, I've been bored for a few days" mingled with that other familiar feeling of "NO I WANT TO BE BORED FOR A LITTLE WHILE LONGER." Thankfully GMU doesn't start back up for a few weeks, so I can gradually ease into being a responsible adult again.

I saw many movies this break and spent so much money. I spent SO. MUCH. MONEY. Who in the world do I think I am? I actually sat down and started reading a book one day during the break, but even when I literally have nothing else to be doing, I feel like my brain is just like "Nope nope you can't read this is such a waste of time stop doing this." Watching tv or listening to music can be done simultaneously with other activities, but reading is very all-consuming, at least it is with me. I've had new books stacking on my shelf to be read for the past year and it's embarrassing. My sister said "Well if you haven't read them by now, maybe you don't want to read them" and I guess that might be true, but I do! I do want to read them, I just feel like...I don't know, like I shouldn't or like it's a waste of time, which is probably the stupidest thing I've ever thought because literally 15 minutes ago I was watching episodes of The Office while I organized a drawer that didn't need to be organized and played on my Nintendo DS. I mean, if we're talking about a waste of time, I've got a degree in that. My priorities are just all mixed up.

While I was sitting through all those movies in the theater (six, I saw six movies in 2 weeks), watching the same trailers over and over again, I did have a thought that I'm sure was very unoriginal, but it got me thinking like a high schooler again: All these stories about "the chosen one" and how they're just this ordinary person thrust into these extraordinary circumstances...don't you want to read a story about the person who wasn't chosen? The person sitting or fighting on the sidelines who no body knows about or really cares about, and see the "hero's" journey through their eyes? I dunno, that thought kind struck me, cause that's how I see myself, the invisible cheerleader way in the back of the stands. Everyone's got a story right? Maybe that person's story isn't as interesting as the hero's, but it seems like since the vast majority of the world is full of people who are wholly "unspecial", that would be something to interest them. I'm sure it's been done, it must have, and maybe it really wasn't exciting enough for people to care, but someone needs to write that trilogy so that I can read it.